"Oh."  Daniel picked up his glasses and slid them back on his nose.  "Am I supposed to feel like I'm underwater most of the day?  It finally wore off just about the time I was supposed to take it again."

"How long did you take it?"

Daniel cleared his throat awkwardly.  "Once," he muttered.

"Once?  You took it once?"

"I couldn't concentrate."

"All right." Dr. Frasier held up both hands.  "Will you at least try something else?"

"Actually, I don't like sleeping too much."

"I'm not sure I understand," she probed, her voice very gentle.

His jaw clenched involuntarily.

"Daniel, I can't help if I don't understand."

The long fingers clenched over the edge of the mattress.

Over her shoulder, Teal'c watched without expression.  "I am not here to report back to O'Neill, Danieljackson.  However, if you would feel more inclined to speak to Dr. Frasier without my presence, I will step outside."

Tension radiating off him, Daniel's gaze dropped to his lap again.  "It's not you, Teal'c.  I really don't want to talk about this right now."  He squeezed his eyes shut.  "I promise to try anything you give me, but I can't promise I'll keep taking it if it makes me feel funny during the day," he said to Dr. Frasier.

"Fair enough," Janet agreed, keeping a tight rein on her disappointment. 

It was neither professional nor fair to Daniel to expect his complete and immediate trust. 

"Just like the allergy meds, there are many different sleep aids I can give you.  I will only ask you to work with me until we find something that will help you sleep.  Look at me, please."  She touched his chinto bring his gaze up to hers.  "I want you to hear me and understand I'm not pulling punches.  It's not just up to the Colonel whether or not you're ready to tackle Gate travel again.  If you're not up to it, either physically or mentally, I won't clear you for mission status.  Gate travel is arduous and demanding, our people are all at the top of their game or they don't go out.  Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

Daniel nodded.  "I understand."

"You're sure?"

"Positive, I got that loud and clear.”  He smiled tentatively.  "Can I go now?"

"Just a minute, let me get you some samples.  That way you can decide what works best for you and if nothing works right, we'll try something else.  Deal?"

"I can live with that."

"Good, if something does work, let me know and I'll get you more.  I'll be right back."

"Is she always like this?"  Daniel inquired of Teal'c, sliding off the bed to pace off some of his nervous energy.

"You have a special place in her heart, Danieljackson, as you have in most hearts here at the SGC."

Daniel glanced at him over his shoulder.  "Why?"

"It is, as MajorCarter said, just the way you are.  The Ancients may have taken your memories, but they could not change what makes you Danieljackson.  No one else has filled your spot in our hearts during your absence.  No one else could."

Daniel sighed.  "Why doesn't that make me feel better?"

"Because," Teal'c responded, in his impassive, yet direct, way, "you are unable as yet to comprehend with your heart what your mind is telling you.  It will come in time; you must relax and let the understanding come naturally.  It would be less complicated if you relinquished the fight, but I do not believe you are capable of letting go at this time."

"Of what?"

"Your fear."

Daniel sucked in air.  He didn’t believe fear had ever been a natural state for him.

"We will not allow anything happen to you, Danieljackson," Teal'c promised implacably.

Only trouble was, something had already happened to him.  He even knew what it was, he just couldn't remember it.

Janet flipped the curtain back as she joined them again.  "Here you go." 

She closed his fingers around a small paper cup, then handed him a glass of water and waited until he'd swallowed the pills. 

"Here's the bottom line, sport.  Check in every couple of days, please, even if you find something that does work.  I want to know you're taking me seriously.  And Daniel?"  She waited until she had his full attention again.  "No screwing around with the antibiotics, you will take that, and take it as scheduled, with food.  Your system tolerated it fairly well before, but if it doesn't now you can’t just quit taking it and not tell me."

"Yes, ma’am."

"Well at least it wasn't 'yes, Mother'."  Janet rolled her eyes comically.  "All right, scram.  I've got work to do and you've already taken up too much of my time."

"Uhm . . . sorry."

"Stop that!" Janet commanded.  "I was joking!  You are my job.  You and the rest of the SGC.  Even Teal'c." She waved at hand at the gold-tattooed alien as he unfolded his impressive physique from the chair.  "Stop apologizing for letting me do my job."

"Oh, okay."

Janet sighed and pulled the young man into an impulsive hug.  "We'll get through this, I promise," she said.  "All of us, working together, if you'll let us." 

She felt his sigh and was relieved when he tentatively put an arm around her and lightly hugged her back. 

"We will," she repeated, keeping her hands on his arms as she pulled back to look at him again.

His jaw tightened, but he met her gaze and did not draw back himself. 

"Thank you," he said quietly.

"It's my job, Daniel.  And I'm fortunate enough to like my job a lot.  You don't have to thank me." 

Over his shoulder, her gaze caught the clock on the wall. 

"Uh oh, Colonel O'Neill's probably on his way down here right now thinking I've decided to keep you after all.  Better go, I'm sure he has big plans for this afternoon.  Have a nap if he'll let you, you'll feel better for it."

Sleep in the middle of the day?  He'd rather eat a raw symbiote. 

"Sure," Daniel replied, fingers gripping the paper bag convulsively.  "If I get a chance." 

Not likely.

"Don't forget to check in," Janet called after them, heading toward her office.

"Promise," Daniel sent back over his shoulder, relieved and thankful to be done and on his way back to his office. 

Without having to take his clothes off. 

He did not initiate conversation on the elevator back up to eighteen where SG-1 had their offices.

Teal'c, noting the weary droop of the archeologist's shoulders, offered nothing more either.  Perhaps it would be wise to remove Danieljackson to O'Neill's home and consider moving anything else another day.  In the meantime, he shepherded his charge off the elevator through the maze of hallways back to sanctuary. 

Both of them stopped abruptly in the open doorway.

"Well, sir, you have to admit, it is kind of cute.  I mean, I doubt he meant it to be, but all the same . . ."

Sam, perched on the stool behind the counter, glanced up as O'Neill discreetly bumped her shoulder.  She grimaced, seeing Daniel leaning against the doorjamb, hands jammed deeply in his pockets.

"Ya think?"  O'Neill glanced back down at the sheet of paper he'd rescued from the trash and smoothed out on top of the counter. 

The title of the sheet, in bold lettering, read, 'The Care & Feeding of Daniel Jackson', accompanied by a fairly well done caricature of Daniel. 

"Didn't know you drew so well, Danny." 

The list of instructions under the heading was impressively thorough; including feeding times, scheduled trips to the surface - don't forget the leash laws and pooper scooper - notes about caffeine intake, directions on how to pry him away from artifacts, and explicit instructions on how to get him to sleep. 

Carter had looked at her C.O. in surprise; Jack had merely been amused.

"How'd you get in here?"

The Colonel raised an eyebrow.  "My card opens all the doors on base, it's one of the perks of being Hammond's 2IC."

"What the hell is a two eye see?"

"Think numbers and letters.  2-I-C.  Second-in-command?  And you need to stop swearing.  It doesn't sound right coming out of your mouth."

"You're second-in-command of this base?"  Daniel inquired, almost surprised out of his mad.

"Yeah.  When we're off-world, Carter's my 2IC."

"Oh." 

It took a moment to process that information. 

"So, then, Sam has access to my office as well?"

"Not unless I give it to her; however, we don't work like that around here.  We don't keep secrets from each other."

"With all due respect, that's not exactly true, sir."  Sam put in, glad the Colonel was still standing behind her.

"Oh, for crying out loud, Carter.  It was one mission and I only did it because the damned Tollan and the Asgard demanded I be involved and you know it.  Plus it was years ago!  Are you ever going to let me live that down?"

"Not likely, sir."

"Before we get too sidetracked . . ." Daniel pushed off the doorjamb and crossed the office to pick up the sheet of paper Jack and Sam had been studying.  "I'd just like to say I'm really pissed.  Right at the moment, I don't care what happened last year, or the year before, or the year before that."  He made a concerted effort to keep his voice even, though his jaw clenched reflexively.  "You knew damn well I didn't want you reading that stupid piece of paper, Jack." 

Daniel crushed the sheet again and threw it at the trash can.  It bounced off the wall, hit the rim, and rolled halfway around the top of the basket before sliding down inside.

"Nice shot," Jack said admiringly.  "So," he looked up and across at Daniel's furrowed brow and tight jaw, "now that we have, want to talk about it?" he asked unrepentantly.

Daniel just looked at him.

"I take it that's a no."   Jack cracked his neck.  "Are we ready to go then?  Oh, by the way, Systems Engineering says they'll have your stuff back up here by the time we get intomorrow morning.  If you want them to unpack, we need to give them a call this afternoon.  Anything you want to take home out of here?"

Daniel closed his eyes, trying to find humor in the situation. 

The brief foray into darkness had the counter fetching up hard against his suddenly outthrust hands.  He felt Teal'c step up behind him, but the Jaffa did nothing more than take up a stance at his right shoulder again. 

Anger was ineffective and pointless.  It rolled of his teammates like rain off a slicker. 

He'd been incredibly frustrated, and having no one to talk to about it, had comically poured out his frustration on the several pieces of paper now residing in his trash can. 

"We'll be back tomorrow morning?"  He shook off the brief dizzy spell and inventoried the sum total of his earthly possessions. 

"Yeah, sure," O'Neill responded.

"If I empty out my pockets, can I get away without being strip searched?"  Daniel shoved a couple of books into his backpack and slung it over his shoulder, glancing around to make sure he needed nothing else.

"Daniel?"  Do we need to get this out in the open now?

"Jack!"  I'm seriously pissed! 

A muscle jumped in Daniel's jaw as they stared at each other.

"Daniel."  Now everybody else knows you’re pissed, too.

“Jack.”  And your point is?

"I understand you're angry, and I understand why.  I'm sorry."  Most of all I'm sorry I broke your trust, which I probably just did in a big way, huh?

The glare didn’t lessen by one iota.

"What do you want to do?" Jack inquired with more patience than he'd ever considered himself capable of.

"Oh, let's just go,” Daniel huffed.

"Well, then, kids, what are we waiting for?"  The Colonel clapped his hands.  "Normally we don't leave base in BDUs; however, we don't have much choice but to take you in what you're wearing." 

Jack had noted Daniel's questioning glance at their civilian clothes. 

Even Teal'c had detoured and changed out of fatigues into slacks and a causal t-shirt, along with his standard head gear - a straw cowboy hat, today.

"Why?"

"We have so got to expand your vocabulary again.  You need to remember you're a linguist too.  'Why' is not the only word you know, Daniel."  Jack snagged the linguist's jacket sleeve and towed him out of the office.

"We change," Sam explained, looking cool and sexy in a white sun dress, "because we try not to draw any more attention to ourselves than necessary.  The public thinks we're civilians doing deep space telemetry here.  Is there anything you want from your quarters?"

"No." 

He was pretty sure Sam was going to attract all kinds of attention the moment she stepped out of his office, let alone off the base.

"You're sure?" Sam asked.  "We're not in any hurry, despite the Colonel's impatience."

"We've got places to go, Carter, people to see, things to do!"  O'Neill hustled them all toward the door.  "Okay, maybe not people to see, but we've got places to go and things to do, so, let's get on it."

"Sir, maybe Daniel wants to get his toothbrush and jammies if he's sleeping over."

"I got all that junk at home, Carter, he doesn't need to bring that kind of stuff."

"Danieljackson?  Do you wish to take this box of . . ."  Teal'c inclined his head to look down in the box of envelopes. "Rectangular squares of paper to O'Neill's with you?"

"No, he doesn't."  Jack twitched impatiently and strode ahead to the elevator, still towing Daniel.

"Danieljackson?"

"It's fine.  Thanks, though, Teal'c, for asking."

"Are we in a hurry, O'Neill?"

"Yes."  The Colonel swiped his card through the reader to call the elevator.

"Why?"

"Because it's time to be out of this place.  Daniel hasn't seen the light of day in almost a week.  He's beginning to look like a plant in need of sunlight."

"I am?"

"Trust me, you are.  Come on, come on!"

*           *           *

"Daniel?"  Jack switched off the ignition.  "Hey, we're home." 

He glanced in the rearview mirror in time to see Teal'c unfolding himself from the driver's seat of Carter's sleek little foreign number.  He was going to have to get after her again about letting their alien teammate drive without a license. 

"Carter's about to open your door and you're going to fall out.  Okay, maybe not since you've still got your seatbelt on."  He poked the unresponsive civilian.  "Come on, D.J., it's time to wake up."

Jack leaned across the seat and slid a hand inside the back of Daniel’s jacket, squeezing lightly.  It was an old habit he'd employed often in the past to get and keep the archeologist's wandering attention.  He spared a moment to hope his teammate would forgive him for falling back into his old familiar patterns of behavior. 

The eyes snapped open, and not unexpectedly, Daniel jerked back. 

"Hey, we're home.  It's unusual for you to fall asleep two minutes out of the mountain.  You okay?"

The archeologist blinked, stared at Jack disoriented, then blinked again. 

"Sunshine."

"What?"

It had been days since he'd seen sunlight; he'd closed his eyes against the dazzling brightness even before he'd gotten his seatbelt buckled.  Apparently he hadn't managed to get them open again. 

"Sun's bright," Daniel said, blinking owlishly.  "What happened?"

Jack tilted his head inquiringly.  "You fell asleep?"

"I wasn't asleep."

"Yeah, and I didn't just wake you up." 

Jack released him, and like a wild thing, Daniel edged backwards, snagged this time by the seatbelt. 

"Anything I should know?  Frasier give you something before we left?"

"Antihistamines.  She made me take it before I left the infirmary.  And antibiotics."

"Well, that could explain your falling asleep, I suppose.  What did she put you on antibiotics for?" 

O'Neill pressed the seatbelt release before the kid could strangle himself.

"Sinus infection."

"Oh.  So you aren't feeling too peachy right about now."

"I told you I wasn't several hours ago in my office, before you dragged me off to lunch."

"Yeah, you did."  Jack opened his door and slid out.  "So maybe you should go straight to bed."

Sam opened the door behind Daniel, only just stopping him from falling out by splaying a hand in the middle of his back. 

"Sorry, I didn't realize you were leaning on it.  You okay?  Daniel?"

"Do you need assistance, Danieljackson?"  Teal'c inquired as the archeologist slid out and reached to haul his backpack off the floor.

"Yes, I'm okay, Sam.  No, I don't need assistance, Teal'c.  Can you guys just back off!"  He stepped back from the truck, away from Teal'c and Sam.  "I just need a little space . . . please."

"Daniel?"

"Jack."  Daniel took another step backwards.

"Okay - what kind of space?"  Jack asked, forcing the words out against his will.  He didn't want to give the kid space, didn't really want to let him out of his sight.  "Go lie down in your room kind of space, or take a walk in the woods kind of space?"

"Woods?"

Where the hell had those words come from?

"Yeah, well, you won't remember, but the house backs up on a nature preserve.  There are a couple of trails, one that loops around beginning and ending in my back yard.  We used to run there, it might be familiar to you.  It's easy to follow, you can't get lost, and you're plenty safe by yourself out there.”  Jack made an easy gesture, flicking a hand toward the back of the house, though any moment he was going to hyperventilate.  "If you want, one of us can go with you," he offered.

"No, thanks." 

The still half asleep linguist blinked at him again and Jack sucked up his immediate need to countermand the offer he'd just made and order Daniel inside to bed where he could at least keep an eye on him.

"Around the side of the house, it's only fifty yards to the woods, you can't miss the path.  Give me your backpack; I'll leave it in your room."

Daniel slid the backpack off his shoulder and took a step forward.

Teal'c, with his long reach, snagged it.  "I will see that it gets to your room, Danieljackson."

"Sure you don't want company?"  Sam touched his shoulder as Daniel half turned toward the back of the house.

"I believe Danieljackson would like some time alone," Teal'c asserted.  He raised his eyes to the archeologist's plainly relieved face.  "You must believe we desire only to help you, Danieljackson, but we cannot always judge correctly what it is you need from us.  You cannot hurt our feelings if you help us to understand what that is," he paused, "however, you must also understand we are all concerned Oma Desala will have realized the gravity of her error in allowing you to descend and will appropriate you again when we are least expecting it.  It is therefore difficult for us to willingly allow you to leave our range of vision."

O'Neill's disconcerted gaze flew from Teal'c, to Daniel, to Carter and back to Teal'c.  "How'd you know?"

"I have the same concern, O'Neill, as I have just stated," Teal'c replied calmly.

"Carter?"

"Yes, sir, I've been worried about that, too." 

"You have?"

"Of course, sir.  Daniel probably is, too, one way or another.  Only, it occurs to me, sir, if it was a mistake, why did they erase his memory?"

"Maybe they didn't erase it, Carter, maybe it was just a side effect of his descending."

"It's possible reacquiring a corporeal body caused the trauma, but I doubt it.  Do you remember Orlin, the alien who built a Stargate in my basement?  I'd forgotten all about him, until . . . well, until we found Daniel again."

O'Neill grimaced.  "As I recall, Major, your little romance ended when he did the glowy octopus thing again."

"Yes, well," Carter admitted, "he did.  But only because he died to save us from blowing ourselves up with that device."

"So, you're saying he was readmitted to the Glowing Octopi, but only because he died again?"

"I believe so, sir."

"Then your assumption would be that if Daniel dies again, and we're not counting the times he died before he ascended, right?  If he dies again, irrevocably, he'll be readmitted to the Glowing Octopi too, but until then, we get to keep him."

"Uhm, yes, sir, that's pretty much it."

"Daniel?"  O'Neill turned to the only team member who hadn't contributed to the discussion.  "Can I trust her assumption?"

Daniel shrugged.  "Haven't got a clue.  Can I go now?"

"Are you worried they're going to come looking for you?" O'Neill snapped, pinning the archeologist in place with a look.

"Probably not in the way you mean, but - yes."

The pre-ascended Daniel would have wilted under O'Neill's livid glare. 

"Do you want to go back?"

"I don't know."  The post-descended Daniel just looked back at him.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I'm not playing games, Jack.  I don't know if I want to go back.  Since I don't have any memory of what I left either here or there, how can I possibly know what I want?"
 
Instead of wrapping his arms around himself, Daniel shoved his hands in his pockets.

O'Neill closed his eyes briefly.  "All right, since we're on the subject, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I said to you last time we were in this place.  This time I'm going to say what I didn't get out before."  He locked gazes with the younger man.  "Don't go.  If they invite you back, just say no, okay?  Losing you was like losing Charlie all over again.  If you want the honest truth, it was worse than losing Sarah.  Now, how twisted is that?  So, just in case you were thinking I'm not glad you're back, think again." 

Jack turned abruptly and strode toward the house, shoving his key in the lock with barely suppressed violence.  He disappeared inside, leaving the door standing open behind him.

Sam turned to stare after her usually taciturn C.O. 

"Wow!" she breathed quietly, turning back to Daniel, who was also staring, somewhat bewilderedly, after the Colonel.  "That probably came out of nowhere for you, so just so you know," she touched his arm, bringing the confused blue eyes back to meet her own wide blue eyes.  "Charlie was his eleven-year-old son.  He accidentally shot himself with the Colonel’s gun.  Sarah is his ex-wife.  And no, there was nothing more going on between you and the Colonel than there was between you and me.  You were just . . . best friends."  Sam sighed.  "Except, you were more than best friends.  It's hard to explain - I think you were his conscience, Daniel.  And for awhile, I think the Colonel might have been your sanity . . . after . . . well, after Sha’re.  It cost him a lot to say that in front of Teal'c and me, he won't be easy to live with for the rest of the day. He never is when he lets his emotions break through like that in company."

"Indeed," was Teal'c's only contribution.

"Look, I'm sure this has only increased your need to get away from all this for awhile."  Sam smiled, she hoped reassuringly.  "So, go on."

"You don't mind?"

"Of course not.  Like Teal'c just said, if you help us understand what you need from us, you can't possibly hurt our feelings."

Sam and Teal'c exchanged another glance as Daniel turned, without a word, and trudged out of view around the side of the house.

"After you, Majorcarter."  Teal'c stepped back, bowing his head gravely.

Sam sighed and led the way into the house.

*           *           *

Preparations for supper were well under way when the Jaffa, looking up from his spot at the grill, spotted the archeologist coming out of the woods.

“Danieljackson returns,” he murmured.

“Wow,” Sam said softly, shooting a quick glance at their C.O.  "I hadn't realized quite how tense he was."

"Yeah," was O'Neill's only response. 

"Obviously Danieljackson found something in the woods that was good for him," Teal'c rumbled, returning his attention to the steaks on the grill.

"Hey.  What can I do to help?"  Daniel came up the shallow steps two at a time. 

His gaze went immediately to Jack, leaning against the deck railing, beer in hand, watching him. 

"Thanks," he offered quietly.

Jack merely inclined his head in a manner reminiscent of Teal'c and took a long swallow of imported beer. 

Sam thrust the plates and utensils into his hands.  "Set the table," she grinned. "Feel better?"

"Yes," Daniel acknowledged, grinning back. 

The dazed, anxious look so evident on their arrival was completely erased. 

"Thank you." 

The tension in his shoulders appeared to have dissolved as well.  It was the most relaxed they’d seen him since . . . well, since they’d found him on Vis Uban.

O'Neill forced back a sigh of relief and rolled his own shoulders in an effort to release some of his tension. 

"How're the steaks coming, T?"

"They are almost done, O'Neill."

"Good, I'll get the salad."

"Well, somewhere in there, Daniel -"  Sam tapped Daniel's temple playfully, then couldn't help herself and brushed her fingers through his hair.  "You still think of us as family."  She grinned engagingly.

"I do?"  Daniel set the last plate on the table and placed cutlery on either side of it.

Jack set the salad down on the linen clad picnic table.

"I remember you telling me once your mother taught you how to set the table properly," Sam related, collecting the baked potatoes.  "But you'd argued it was ridiculous to put the forks on the left when most people used their right hand to eat, so why didn't forks get put on the right.  You said she always let you put the forks on the right, unless there was company and then you had to set it properly.  See you put the forks on the right, you must still think of us as family," she repeated, knowing she was pleased all out of proportion.

An arrested expression stilled the mobile features.  Still poised over the last plate, Daniel let the memory of darkly tanned fingers sliding lovingly from his elbows to his wrists, wash over him. 

It was so strong he could smell the scent of his mother's hair, feel it brushing against his cheek as she bent over him, saying with a smile in her voice, 'Not tonight, sweetie, we have company.  You have to set it properly.' 

He sank down on the picnic bench bonelessly.  Eight.  He'd been eight when he'd lost his parents and been tossed willynilly into the foster care system.  Eight.

Immediately Sam was behind him, hands on his shoulders, massaging gently. 

"I'm sorry."  She cringed.  "I didn't think."

"No, it's okay.  It just was . . . unexpected.  Guess I should probably get used to it, though, huh?"  Daniel squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, took a deep breath, and raised his head.  "Are we ready to eat?" 

Tonight he wanted to hold on to the peace he'd found in the woods, if only for a few hours.  He had finally managed to clear his head enough to recognize that somewhere buried way down deep inside there was a thread of trust that ran so deep he didn’t need to question it. 

As Teal'c had firmly stated, they would not let anything happen to him. 

The realistic, rational Dr. Jackson had tacked on, if it was within their power. 

Instinct told him a lot of power resided in this trio of individuals.

He didn’t miss the significance of the look that flashed among his three companions, but this time it didn't bother him. 

"I'm starved," Daniel announced.  "What are we waiting for?"

The relaxed atmosphere fostered by good wine, great food, and easy camaraderie, took its toll far more quickly than any of them would have thought possible. 

The sun had barely slipped below the horizon before the archeologist was falling asleep again.

"I swear, give Daniel more than two ounces of alcohol and he's under the table."  Sam swatted him good-naturedly.  "Why don't you just go to bed?"

"Might miss something," Daniel yawned.  "Besides, it's going to be a great night for stargazing.  Do you still have the telescope on the roof, Jack?  I looked up Abydos on the star map in the board room; I want to see if I can find it for real." 

Three sets of gazes swiveled toward him in the gloaming. 

"What?"  The hairs on the back of his neck rose as apprehension mounted swiftly.  "What?" he repeated harshly.

"You remembered I have a telescope," Jack replied, injecting a note of pleased satisfaction Daniel obviously wasn't buying.

Sam, still sitting next to him, felt Daniel tense like a drawn bow string.

"What happened to Abydos?"

"Well, we don't know for sure," she began, wanting desperately to restore the tranquil calm just shattered so badly.

"Anubis destroyed Abydos, Danieljackson," Teal'c stated calmly, though his jaw clenched as he closed his mouth on the damning sentence.

Daniel was on his feet before he knew it, alarmingly light-headed.  Probably the wine, he thought inconsequentially, trying desperately to get his feet untangled and over the bench. 

He was going to be sick.

"Daniel?"

"Don't touch me," he snarled, as Jack snared his arm. 

Daniel stumbled down the stairs and out into the yard, sank to his knees, and threw up until there was nothing left to throw up.

When he finally sat back on his heels, Sam, kneeling beside him, handed him a damp kitchen towel. 

Daniel buried his face in it. 

"Okay?" she asked, chancing a quick shoulder rub.  "Want some water to rinse your mouth?"

Water wasn't going to rinse the sour taste of guilt from his soul. 

"I guess," he said dully, wondering why he was absolutely certain Abydos had been destroyed because of his actions.

Sam brought back a glass of water and steadied it when his hand trembled so badly he spilled it. 

"Come back and sit down."

He let her pull him to his feet and lead him back to the deck, but sank down on the steps instead of returning to the picnic table.  Daniel wrapped his arms around his ankles and put his head down on his knees.

"It happened after you helped us find the Eye of Ra on Abydos.  We also found a tablet.  Have you seen it since you came back?"  Sam sat down beside him and tentatively laid a hand on his back.  "Daniel?"

The archeologist shook his head wearily.

"You told us to give Anubis the Eye of Ra to distract him from the tablet because you thought it held the key to the Lost City.  If Anubis found the Lost City before we did, Earth would be in big trouble."

"And with the Eye of Ra, he commanded enough power to destroy Abydos," Daniel said flatly.

"Do you remember?"

"No," he said again, raising a hand to press to his temple.  "If you collect all the Eyes, legend says they combine to form a powerful weapon that can be used at will by the person, or being, that holds the Eyes."

"You knew that.  You told us that on Abydos, when you told us to give the damn thing to him," Jack interjected.

Daniel groaned.  "Destroyed.  An entire planet . . . what the hell was I thinking." 

His stomach heaved again.

"The people were not destroyed, Danieljackson.  Oma Desala ascended them," Teal'c offered into the gathering darkness.

"We talked to them."  Sam continued to rub his back, thankful he hadn’t pulled away.  "Oma let us gate back to the planet, or where ever it was they were, very briefly.  When we got home, we couldn't dial out to Abydos again.  But we talked to Skaara.  They're . . . alive and well . . . in another dimension, I suppose."

"When  . . . when did this happen?"

For a moment no one answered. 

Jack downed the rest of his beer and plunked the bottle down on the picnic table.  "Two months ago."

Enlightenment dawned.  Daniel turned his head slowly to look at Sam.  "So, that's why you think they kicked me out.  But there's more . . . isn't there?"

"You told us you were going to confront Anubis."  Sam curved a hand protectively around the back of Daniel's neck, much like Jack.  "We have no idea what happened, only that Abydos was destroyed and you didn't come back."  She sighed heavily.  "And then we found you, quite accidentally we thought.  But the more I think about it, the more I'm sure Oma meant for us to find you."

Night insects were beginning to fill the creeping silence with their melodic evening symphony.  Doomed moths fluttered past his face on their mesmerized way toward the candle flames dancing on the picnic table.  Behind him, Teal'c slapped an inquisitive mosquito.

"Are you cold?"  Sam moved her hand to rub his bare arm. 

He was shivering convulsively.

"No," he said flatly. 

A moment later, a field jacket was draped over his shoulders. 

Daniel closed his eyes.  He was hot and cold at the same time, dizzy with fatigue again, and still nauseated with the knowledge of what he had caused.

Jack sat down on his other side. 

"Ya know," he began conversationally.  "We could play the 'what if' game forever on this one.  In the end it still comes down to the same thing.  You win some, you lose some.  We didn't win this time, but the outcome could have been a lot worse."

"A lot worse?  An entire race was annihilated because I made a bad choice?" Daniel groaned, burying his face in an elbow again.

O'Neill toned down the caviler facade.  "First of all, no one was annihilated.  Second, who knows if it was a bad choice or not?  Suppose instead of playing Jackals and Hounds with you while we got away with the tablet, His Royal Ascended Self had turned his attention to us and gotten the tablet after all?  Somehow, I doubt anyone in the universe would be safe if that thing had ended up in his possession.  And third -"  Jack's jaw clenched for a moment before he went on.  "Third, maybe if I hadn't been such a hardass about crossing the line, you could have come up with a different solution.  But we didn't have a whole honkin’ lot of time, Daniel.  So, I pushed you to make a choice and it had some unfortunate consequences, but we don't know that it was the wrong choice.  It could have been the only choice given the circumstances.  And frankly, unless Oma decides to drop in again -"   O'Neill glanced warily up at the sky.  "And by the way, just in case you're listening, that wasn't an invitation.  We may never know if there was another choice.  Now," he rose and dusted off the seat of his pants, "me and Teal'c are going inside to watch the game.  You two coming?"

"Not yet."  Daniel did straighten, propping his elbows wearily on his knees and his head in his hands.

Sam snuggled closer to Daniel.  "Mind if I stay out here with you for awhile?" 

She felt him shrug and decided to take it as confirmation she was allowed to stay.  Twitching at the jacket, she slipped both hands around his arm and laid her head down on his shoulder. 

"I missed this," she murmured.  "Just sitting still together, without an agenda; I missed pulling all nighters with you; bouncing ideas off you . . . I just missed you, Daniel."

Somehow, here under the open sky, the intimacy seemed less disconcerting, or perhaps it was just the timing.  Daniel leaned his cheek against her hair, breathing in the scent of her.  He understood an answer wasn't required, and, he thought, if he could remember sitting like this with her, very likely he would miss it, too.

"Did you know Sha’re?" he asked eventually, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Not really.  I met her, but only very briefly."

"I asked Jack about her last night."  Daniel waited a beat before adding, "So, then, was she killed on Abydos?  Jack said she'd been killed in a mission that went bad."

Damn the Colonel for not warning her.  No wonder Daniel had been so upset by the news of Abydos; not that he wouldn't have been anyway.  This just shed a whole new light on his reaction. 

"No, Sha’re has been dead for a few years now." 

Sam hoped, without expectation, he'd be satisfied.  And then wondered if it would be kinder to tell him now, so he had some warning if and when the memory did catch up with him.

She unconsciously began to rub his arm again.  "This afternoon, at lunch, when you were holding the bowl?  You said Sha’re's name.  Tell me what you remembered."

"Just a girl . . . beautiful . . . long, dark, kind of floaty hair.  She was throwing her arms around me . . . laughing."  Daniel's voice broke.  He drew in a long, deep breath before adding, "She was so . . . young."

"That was a long time ago, Daniel.  You were both young."

"I was never young, Sam, at least not like that." 

His sigh was so weary she thought it must emanate from the very depths of his soul. 

"It occurred to me that it fit Jack's criteria, you know?  A mission gone really bad.  What could be worse than annihilating an entire population?"

"Trust me, what happened to Sha’re was much worse than what happened to Abydos."

"I can't imagine anything worse," he said dully.  "Unless I killed her."

"You didn't.  Teal'c did."

"Oh, God!  Never mind, I don't want to know!"

"Too late, I won't leave Teal'c hanging out like that.  Sha’re was taken by the Goa'uld, Apophis, as a host for his queen, Ammonet.  She bore him a harcesis child; a human baby, born with the entire genetic memory of the Goa'uld.  The Goa'uld hunt down and annihilate such children because of the threat they pose.  Ammonet, we think influenced by Sha’re, returned to Abydos and took the Abydonians hostage as a cover for sending the child to Kheb in an effort to save him.  General Hammond immediately sent an entire battalion to mount a rescue operation when your father-in-law got word to us.  You went straight for Sha’re and by the time Teal'c got to the tent, Ammonet already had you in the ribbon device.  What you need to understand is Teal'c didn’t choose between you and Sha’re.  In that split second, he had to choose you, or Ammonet."

Daniel lowered his forehead back down to his knees.  "Jesus," was all he said, and it was as much a prayer as a curse. 

There were holes big enough to drive a tank through, but he'd heard too much already.  Was there no end to the tragedy in his life?  Surely he hadn't wanted to come back to this?

"You also need to understand Teal'c was as devastated as you were," Sam added with quiet conviction.

At the moment, Teal'c was the least of his worries.  His own culpability was glaringly obvious. 

'You never pay attention to anything but what's calling you!'

He could recapture the fleeting feeling of strength and bright promise that had accompanied the picture of Sha’re in his mind earlier in the day.

'You never pay attention to anything but what's calling you', Jack's uncensored assessment from earlier in the afternoon, replaying now on an endless loop, came back to haunt him.  'You went straight to Sha’re'.

Daniel, very deliberately and purposefully, shut down.  He drifted blankly in the dark, anchored only by Sam's warm hands grounding him to the earth, to the steps of the deck, to this life he had been tossed back into in much the same way he'd been tossed into the foster care system some thirty-odd years ago.  The universe had decreed it. 

This time around, Jack seemed to think he was guilty of collusion, at the very least; if not out right complicity.  Was an eight-year-old child capable of collusion or complicity?

"Daniel?"

Startled, Daniel straightened again, shaking his head.  "Sorry, must have zoned there for awhile."

"You're entitled."  Sam trailed off for a moment.  "Look, I know you said you don't want to talk about that . . . paper . . . from this afternoon." 

When he neither tensed, nor withdrew, she soldiered on. 

"If you still don't, I'll respect that.  But there were a couple of things that have me a little worried."

"What?"  Daniel turned his head toward her.

"There was just enough of an edge in that bit about . . . sleeping -"

Sam felt him flinch and knew absolutely he was going to pull back any second now. 

"I told you earlier there's nothing going on between you and the Colonel . . ." she trailed off again, not exactly sure how to continue.

"I haven't lost the ability to remember, just my memory.  I know what you said," Daniel replied, just short of curtly.

Major Carter sighed.  "What's really bothering you about it?  Are you worried that you're attracted to him?" 

When he didn’t immediately answer, she continued softly.  "You are both thoroughly heterosexual men.  You've both been married, although I think you're both a little gun shy, given the experiences you've endured with some of the galactic bitches we've encountered."

"Galactic bitches?"  Daniel inquired, leaning back on his hands.

"Let’s see."  Sam leaned back as well.  "There was Hathor; she did both you and the Colonel.  We killed her.  We've tangled with Nirti, she did a number on Teal'c, though strictly speaking it wasn't sexual.  Then there was Shyla; but the Colonel says she was more of a sex kitten than a bitch goddess.  Oh, yes, let's not forget Kira/Linea.  And I'm sure I could come up with some more if you really want me to."

"Uh, thanks, but it's not necessary.  Would it be really conceited of me to assume where no names are mentioned, I insert mine?"

"Well, you do have a way with the feminine heart.  And stop rolling your eyes; you've always been clueless when it comes to how attractive you are."

"Ohyeahsureyoubetcha."

"Channeling O'Neill does not get you points."  Sam poked her companion playfully in the ribs.  "So, I'm going to ask you again, are you attracted to the Colonel?"

Daniel sighed.  "There is something phenomenally attractive about Jack, something that calls to me on very visceral level . . . but it's not sexual.  At least, he doesn't turn me on," he amended.  "So, I don't think it's sexual."

Well, that was certainly an honest assessment, if more than she'd expected.  Obviously Daniel had thought it through already. 

"Has it occurred to you that he makes you feel safe?  If I were in your shoes, I know that would be very important to me."

"Yes," Daniel replied slowly. "I don't think I would have come back with you otherwise.  But it's more than just feeling safe.  It's almost . . .” he trailed off, then started on a different tack.  "You ever make one of those tin can telephones with a waxed string when you were a kid?"

"Sure.  Why?"  Sam took the left turn in stride, knowing Daniel would have a reason for asking the seemingly out of the blue question.

"It's almost like Jack and I are connected by that wax string.  You know?  Like there's a level of communication deeper than just you and I talking like this."

"Oh, yes, the two of you used to carry on whole conversations and never say more than each other's names."

"Really?  I'm not just imagining it?"

"No," Sam smiled, "you're not imagining it.  Sometimes it hardly takes more than a look between the two of you."

"Well, that makes me feel better." 

The silence between them grew comfortable again. 

"Sam?"

"Hmm?"

"Anubis . . ."

"What about him?" she prompted when the silence lengthened unnaturally.

"Jack said something about his Royal Ascended Self?"

"You told us Anubis had somehow managed to ascend by gaining knowledge of the Ancients.  Even though he is a Goa'uld."

Startled, Daniel jerked his gaze down from the stars to stare at Sam in disbelief.  "Ascended?  A Goa'uld?"

"Yes.  So, not only did he have the Eyes he'd collected, he had access to at least some of the knowledge, and I would have to assume, some of the power of the Ancients as well.  I'm guessing since he didn't ascend in the usual manner, which we're assuming is sort of a mentor type relationship since you told the Colonel Oma saw it as your duty to help others ascend, he may not be subject to the same kinds of rules you were."

"But I knew that, right?"

"Yes."

"Am I usually stupid and impulsive?"

"Given the fact your IQ is off the scale, I don't think anyone could accuse you of being stupid," Sam said matter-of-factly.  "Impulsive?  Certainly the Colonel would say you were impulsive.  You don't tend to be analytical when you're in explorer mode, which often lands you in trouble.  You just have this enormous capacity for trust, which none of us understand, especially given the way life has knocked you around.  So you fearlessly wander into situations any sane person would avoid to begin with, or at the very least, go into armed to the teeth."

"Sounds pretty stupid to me," Daniel drawled.

"No."  Sam shook her head vehemently.  "No,” she repeated, “not even really impulsive.  More like . . . guileless."

"As in naive?"

"No," she said again.  "Naive implies a lack of understanding, and that's not the case at all.  It's not that you don't understand evil, it's just that you don't automatically expect every sentient being to be evil."

"But Jack does?"

"Well, not exactly.  His perspective is just  . . . different.  He doesn't necessarily expect it, but he's always analyzing, always on guard, just in case.  Opposite ends of the scale.  But that doesn't make either of you wrong."

"Why do I get the feeling you're the only one who thinks that way?"

"Not true.  Teal'c feels exactly the same way, and I know because we've talked about it."

"Teal'c talks?"

part 4

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